So. I haven't been able to write much lately. I've fallen into one of my melancholy phases. I hate how dramatic that sounds, but it's true. Every couple of months, depending on what's going on with my life, I fall into a slight period of depression. Usually I'm good at identifying what's causing it and snapping out of it sooner rather than later, but this one hasn't shown any signs of lifting.
I think it's a combination of things, but first and foremost would be the ever present guy drama. I'm still dealing with the fallout of dating departmental guy and having to see him and his new girl out all the time, and more recently split with another guy I was dating who I thought had potential because he was interested in someone else. So that's back-to-back guys I've gotten involved with where I feel like I was rejected for someone else, not good for the self esteem. Even though I know deep down I am a fabulous catch and the right guy will come along, I sometimes lack patience and trust in God to let it all just happen in good time.
My best friends moved from their apartment in the same development as mine to one halfway across town. Add in the fact that my one friend is so busy with school I barely saw her before, and I feel like I lost my biggest support system. Sometimes when I call her she is able to talk for a bit, but more often she doesn't even answer her phone, or doesn't return the calls, or has to cut me off after a few minutes so she can go study. I know she is trying to be successful in grad school, but I feel pushed to the back burner a little bit, and it just adds to my feelings of loneliness.
Summer in grad school is an interesting time. I don't have classes or teaching weighing on my schedule, which frees up a little time, but I do have two undergrads doing research who I have to supervise, and I feel like the expectations for research are much higher during the summer because I am supposed to have so much free time. Of course, during the summer I end up scheduling my weekends jam-packed full of travel and fun, making the weeks even more crazy as I try and either get a little ahead or, more likely, play catch up. I have just finished working on the edits to a major paper, so hopefully with that project's completion will come a little bit of a lapse in the lab pressure (not likely, but a girl can dream).
I know I said I have a break from classes during the summer, but that's not entirely true. This summer I am taking a seminar for the faculty preparation program I am a fellow in. This seminar is all about life in academia, both adjusting to it from life as a graduate student, and what the everyday responsibilities and pressures are like. This seminar is a great experience, but at the same time it is stressing me out. I worry constantly that I don't have the skills to succeed in academia, and that consequently I'm wasting my time in grad school. I should be grateful that I'm getting the idea of what my job would be like right now, but all I can do is panic. I think this fear is the underlying thing that is making me feel constantly stressed out, because it's such a big thing that affects my entire future. Or maybe I need to stop being such a drama queen and just work on becoming the best grad student and future faculty member I can be now while I still have the time.
Labels: grad school, melancholy meandering
